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"Steve’s Top 3 (or should it be bottom 3?) Bad Anime films”
-By Stephen Kelley-
-Presented by DMG Ice.com-
|After a long Christmas break
where I had almost no free time, my column has returned, and hopefully
I can swing back into a decent schedule. Only time will
Being somewhat of a connoisseur of bad films, I will now share with you what I have decided are the 3 worst anime series’ or movies I have ever seen. Unless you have a problem with yourself and want to subject yourself to large amount of masochistic torture DO NOT watch these.
3. Amon Saga
I remember when I first got into Anime; it seemed as if nearly everything I watched was either good or great. I can not say I really saw too much that really made me cringe. Because of this, I kind of got this false sense of assurance that I would like all anime no matter what it was.
I remember randomly buying stuff all the time just to see what it was, usually with good results. That all ended when I picked up a used copy of “Amon Saga” from a local retail store. The 5 dollar price tag should have been the first indicator for what great entertainment I was in for. But if you look at the cover, it sports a beautiful illustration from famous Japanese artist Yoshitaka Amano who also designed most Final Fantasy characters and Vampire Hunter D. By my logic, Amano = great, boy was I wrong.
As I plunged the DVD into my player I was soon blessed with the most generic, boring, and silly 65 minutes of my life. I have tried to watch the movie three times now, and I have managed to fall asleep on 2 of those occasions.
Amon Saga is the story of a young man's quest to avenge the murder of his mother. Amon, a young swordsman, is led to the castle of the Emperor Valhiss in his quest, and finds that he must join the Imperial Army before he can exact his revenge. However, once he has worked his way into the castle, Amon meets Princess Lichia, whom the Emperor is holding ransom for a map. Much sword fighting and magic occurs, and viola, there is the storyline.
In all honesty Amon’s name could have been “Fighter” because he showed almost no character development or believable emotions of any sort. I would say that a pine tree could star in a more compelling action movie, than Amon. The princess is just as bad if not worse, as she could have been replaced by a cardboard cut-out, and I would not have noticed.
Another let down, for me was the Overall presentation. You see this amazing cover illustration that made the movie look way better than it was, and what you actually get is an anime that looked dated, even in 1986. The animation was not terrible, but it had this unfinished look to it that I really can not put my finger on, and I wonder if that was intentional or not. There are scenes that actually seem to be out of focus, this seems prevalent usually when the princess is on the screen. I can not say that I have ever seen an animated film that suffered from bad camera quality, but there is always room for a first.
All in all Amon saga seems like an old RPG storyline that was harnessed into being a movie, and it did not work...
If you ever need a movie to rent please look at the following easy to follow chart for advice:
2. Cosplay Complex
I rented Cosplay Complex because places like www.animeondvd.com gave it a glowing rating of A-, to which I was promised that is was a great supplement to fans of Excel saga or “puni puni poemy”. Because of this I snatched it up and was greeted with the crappiest and most unorganized story ever.
I basically rented Cosplay Complex in order to look at another subgenre of the otaku subculture. I have cosplayed before at Ren Fest and will be going to this years A-kon as a Shinigami (death god) from the popular anime Bleach, but I had no idea how those people obsessed with it saw themselves. I pretty much should have looked someplace else, as Cosplay Complex was about as educational as a dog turd.
I guess I was expecting something closer to shows like “Comic party”, where lives underground manga-ka are poked fun at; or “Otaku no video” where an upstart anime company begins. Instead I got a T&A heavy dose of nonsense that I had to stop watching after one episode.
The story revolves around a Cosplay club that contains (but not limited to):
A stereotypical anime ditz that happens to be the main character.
A foreign blonde character with large breasts and an unnatural attraction to preschool girls.
What I think was an owl as the generic mascot character.
An androgynous fairy-like bunny creature with a sweet tooth that transforms into various costumes and changes the bust size of the wearer at will.
A creepy guy who likes to peep on the other female members.
Two sisters who are the most normal characters in the show.
An older girl that acts like the mom to the rest of the characters.
That sounds like an all right cast, except that the creator felt the need to cram everything he possibly could in the short span of only 3 episodes which means that any episode was devoid of any breathing room and made less sense than the average episode of Cartoon Networks “12 oz. mouse”. I like shows that are full of random comedy, but when the pace is so fast that you can not actually find a plot….that sucks.
The high point of any episode was when the club would attend a Cosplay competition and see who could Cosplay the best. For an accurate representation of this part of the anime, Imagine the movie “You got served” except with costumes. Just roll that image in your head… does not that sound terrible… yup it does.
In a nutshell, this show is made for pre-teen boys who like to look at cartoon boobs, and that is about it, if you do not fit that demographic I would not recommend the show to you.
1. Cheap Wal-Mart Anime
And the winner and all around grand champion goes to a collection of movies that were all made by the same company. These actually fall into the “so bad its great category” because I challenge anybody to sit through one of these and not laugh at the crappiness on the screen.
The story all began when I went to Wal-mart with Phil a few months back, we found the 1 dollar DVD section, which had 3 anime films called:
….and no these are not typos
"Space Thunder Kids"
"Protectors of Universe"
"Defenders of space"
I will say that these are so bad that they ALL make “Manos: the hands of fate” look spectacular in comparison.
The movies themselves are apparently from Taiwan or Korea (all sources on the net are sketchy at best) and have things literally stolen from other 1970's animes. Apparently (after some research) they were made by procuring random cells and action sequences from a dozen odd ‘70s shows, redrawing a few of them, producing a couple original backgrounds, and fastening it all together with scotch tape into feature films (you actually see scotch tape sometimes).
You will be amazed at the fact that a few transformers, a gundam, the white base from Gundam, space battleship yamato, Gigantor, and scenes from a crappy baseball anime are all wedged together. What is even better is that the 3 space related movies share all the same cells, so the characters are all the same for the most part; just add a mustache and VIOLA! New character!
The biggest offender has to be an anime called "Space Thunder Kids"
First off, let us examine the cover. The girl on the left looks familiar somehow, oh yeah that is a character from the anime Gundam 0083 right up there. I am glad she is not in the anime whatsoever, but it was cool of them to borrow the picture I guess. Then we have a yellow robot that does not appear in the show whatsoever, followed by another anime character that I cannot place, but is probably from an obvious show. This must be great! I mean even if the show is bad it has good animation right? Animation that matches the Cover!
I guess not.
Well, the plot must be good, hey look! It is written on the cover:
“The Dark Empire is determined to conquer the universe and get rid of anyone who acts against it. The Space Thunder Kids, made up of three valiant youths, are responsible for patrolling the space and obstructing the invasion of the Dark Army.
Doctor Sparta, a scientist, is pursued by the Dark Army after the devastation of his planet. He flees to the Earth and meets Doctor Rhodes, who develops advanced weapons for the Guardian Army.
The Dark Army bombards the Earth aggressively and kidnaps Dr. Sparta and Rhodes. The space Thunder Kids come to the rescue with the fighter robots, and together with the aid of the Guardian Army, they successfully save the two scientists and shatter the Dark Empire!”
And that folks, is actually way more than I ever got from the plotline. All I could ever see is random spaceships from various anime flying around while other ships shoot at them. In between, random characters would appear and disappear with no warning, only to deliver great lines such as “put your shoes back on, you’re stinking up the assembly”
After that, the bad guys from “Star blazers” renamed the dark army, started sending monsters from some Godzilla-like anime to earth. They were there either to wreak havoc, or confuse the crap out of anyone trying to follow the movie.
A group of unnamed kids that look like the pilots from Voltron appear and apparently have the ability to change age, gender and nationality from scene to scene, as they pilot a robot that also changes appearance from scene to scene.
Then, after a random baseball game breaks out a bunch of scenes from some anime that is a rip-off of the 1980 film “Tron” happens without any reason whatsoever. This, my friends, is the entire movie.
….I was too.
I take back my initial comment, above all others, see this movie. Do yourself a favor and buy “Space Thunder Kids” at Wal-Mart or someplace else, its well worth a dollar.
And your insanity…
Until next time,
-Editorial by Stephen Kelley-
-Property of dmgice.com-