Army Men
Published by 3DO
Developed by Digital Eclipse
Review by Primeval
primeval@prodigy.net
Released: 2000
Save: Password (Argh! Why?!)
Size: 8 Megabits
Works With: GBC Only
 
Opening Snide Remaks: Hmm, ANOTHER Army Men game, what a surprise. Every
Army Men game made has sucked, with the exception of the slightly above
average Air Attack on PlayStation. Even more, this is a port of the first
Army Men game on PC, which is quite possibly the worst of them all. It's not
developed by 3DO this time, so maybe there's a chance of it being good....
naw, are you kidding?
 
Gameplay Description: Since I like top-down game like Grand Theft Auto, I
thought I'd enjoy this game a bit, but who was I kidding? This is an Army
Men game, and those 3DO bastards have yet again crapped out a big turd and
put an Army Men logo on it. You run around shooting the tan Army Men...as if
you expected something else. Problem is, the game is boring. And I don't mean
"stuck at Grandma's house with no GameBoy" boring, I mean "on the verge of
death" boring. Here's how every level works: Run around in circles, get
killed unfairly (more on that later) and finish the mission that usually
involves just killing every tan soldier. Exciting, isn't it? Boy oh boy, I
can't wait for Army Men 2: Watching Paint Dry. 
 
Liked: If you can't get to sleep, this game can help.
Hated: ZzZzZzZz
 
Graphics Description: Well, let's take a look. Every level looks totally
identical, the soldiers look like crap, and everything looks glitchy. The
worst part is, 90% of the game takes place in the desert, with TAN sand, and
those TAN soldiers blend in with it. I can't tell you how many times I was
shot by what I thought was nothing! The only good part of the graphics are
the still shots you see when you die, and you'll be seeing those a lot,
since you'll die as a result of being shot by nothing. There's the expected
slowdown, which almost seems mandatory in crappy games. You are given a
target icon that floats right in front of your character, but it's so close
that targeting enemies is nigh-on impossible.

Liked: Still cut-scenes.
Hated: What the hell is shooting me?
 
Sound/Music Description: This category is the best and worst part of the
game. The music is about as annoying as having to write this review, and the
only song that ever plays during gameplay is a looped drumroll song. On the
other hand, the game features the absolute greatest speech I have EVER heard
in a GameBoy game. Especially after hearing Bionic Commando's absolutely
horrible speech, it made it sound even better. But that music....

Liked: That speech! This is GameBoy?!
Hated: The music.

Play Control/game Design: As in Grand Theft Auto, the overhead perspective
provides you with a control sheme that is taken as first person, i.e.,
pressing up makes you go forward no matter what direction you're facing. The
big difference is that GTA did it well. These controls gave me a blister on
my thumb after playing for 20 minutes (I'm surprised I even played this crap
for that long). You also get stuck on scenery, and Sarge moves incredibly
slow, so running away isn't worth it.

Liked: The relief when the blister on my thumb went away.
Hated: Just about everything.
 
Improve: 99.9% of the game. 
 
RIYL: Crappy games like Home Alone and Wario Blast.
 
Final Words: Wow. I honestly haven't played a game this bad since I played
Home Alone. I would give this game a zero perfect, but the great speech in
the game saves it from that. Eight percent, and feel lucky I gave it that
much, 3DO. Some people say that when you buy a bad game, at the least it
adds to your collection. But I just feel dirty owning this game. I would
sell it, but then I'd feel bad for allowing someone else to play it.

Score
Gameplay: *
Graphics: *
Sound/Music: **
Play Control/Game Design: * 
Personal Opinion: 1/4 of a star
Total: 5.25 out of 25

Final Score: 8%


Currently Known COdes: Nope!