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March/April 2006 Issue
Quote Of The Whenever: "We may have to repay her in hugs. That means we risk getting some sort of female hugging disease..."

04.25 - Blame it on the rain? - Well, finally we update! For your enjoyment, there are FOUR new articles in the Library. Go and feast! On the news side of things, SquareEnix announced that for E3 they will have Final Fantasy III for DS playable, Final Fantasy V and VI for GBA on video and playable behind closed doors, Children of Mana for DS playable, Valkeryie Profile for PSP playable, and Dragon Quest Heros: blah blah for DS playable. It's really Slime King Mori Mori, people. You're going to buy it anyways, no matter what they call it. It has tanks made of SLIME, people. TANKS OF SLIME. That has to be good. It may be somewhat old; but I still wanna mention. Recently, a lot of people have been ragging on the creator of Katamari Damacy for his statement that controls are not important to how a game is made. I have said it a few times and I shall say it again. This guy made a game inspired by watching dung beetles roll poo around. What does that tell you about this person and his opinion on what makes a game good? Try playing it with the sound off sometime. Takahashi is not important! He's the smug bastard son of Ken Kutaragi and George Clooney. You know, George Clooney, the guy that dug up Batman after Val Kilmer murdered him, then proceeded to do bad things to Batman's body before reburying him upside down. But how does Philip REALLY feel about Takahashi? Well, let us find out later this week in some editorials! Also, the big round table debate on the life of the GBA is coming this week as well. Please look forward to it arriving sort of on time? Philip Andrew Wesley

04.19 - The update about the next update! - The 20th of April is the official release date of Brain Training. We have a literal ton of articles to make available to you all tommorrow! In fact, I have about five of them. Yeah! That said, anyone else find it woefully ironic that the non-violent Brain Age: Train Your Brain comes out to prove that video games can have a positive effect on the same day that THIS happened. Will you be going out to buy a video game in hopes it can affect or improve your memory and logic on the 20th? Will you still be lying to yourself that violent video games do not influence people while buying a non-violent video game in hopes that it influences you? Just a bit of food for thought. Philip Andrew Wesley

04.12 - Sometimes it works like that. - There are less than eight days left before the release of Mother 3 in Japan. Should be interesting to see what that does to sales of the Micro and GBA SP. That said, a few new announcements have hit the wires. Apparently, the Nintendo DS will be getting a Death Jr. game as well as a Tomb Raider Legends game. The GBA will also be getting a Legends game and Atlus has just announced they will be bring the Battle B-Daman franchise to the GBA. The first game will hit this summer, a little before the anime series the games coincide with are released. The second game will hit in the fall, hopefully around November. It looks like Atlus is definately throwing some weight behind the GBA this year with their upcoming release of Yggdra Union and the Super Robot Taisen games. Should be interesting. Oh, a few new links in the library as we make a few more editorials available. Consume! Philip Andrew Wesley

04.05 - I'll wait for you in our hide-away. - Behold! A new review of Gunstar Super Heroes bursts onto the site like a stray bullet in a French Protester. Or rather, like a stray bullet should burst into a jobless French Protester. Not that I am hinting at anything. Also up on the platter, served with garnish of equal sarcasm and equal awesome, is a new editorial by recently rediscovered DMG Ice Alumni Akemi. Let's take it up a notch and pull out the news that several sources believe May is when the DS Lite lands on our shores. The Opera Browser for the Nintendo DS is set for June in Japan and later this year in the USA. Like always, this site will be compatible with the browser. Now you can TRULY make your dream of gently rubbing DMG Ice in a loving manner a reality. Just be careful when rubbing any Blue Virii, they bite. Philip Andrew Wesley

04.03 - Technical Difficulties! - There is some new content; but due to technical difficulties, it shall all be posted in the fourth. Thank you for your co-operation! Philip Andrew Wesley

03.25 - Odd Things On Rye - It would appear that a lot of smaller developers and publishers are pushing onto the GBA now. I think it is about time, people! The First Person Role Playing Game "Mazes of Fate" by small developer Sabarasa Entertainment has been picked up for publishing by Graffiti Entertainment, a new division of Signiture Devices. The new publisher will publish the game later this year. Should be interesting, although I have a reeling that it will be almost as hard to find as Orbital Media's games. So, chock this one up to the list of games you buy as soon as you see them because they are almost assured to disappear. Game looks pretty cool too. Philip Andrew Wesley

03.24 - The Past And Pending - A lot of news has hit rapidly in the last few days and I shall compile it all into one bite-size article with cruel commentary and mean-spirited snark before we take this ride and let it slide into the cracks where fall and winter collide. Here it is, ladies and gentlemen!

First things first, the PSP takes the floor as Sony would like to remind you that their best selling piece of glass and plastic also plays games; but will soon have a keyboard, cell phone attachment, Voice Over IP, an Eye Toy Camera, a PS1 emulator from Connectix that runs games you download for expensive from Sony's online DRM infested servers to run -slowly- off of a memory stick from the first generation of PS 1 games, also a GPS will be coming so that Sony can track you with their spy drones. They also announced a remix of Hot Shots Golf that uses the GPS, Loco Roco in the USA, and SNK Playmore announced that they will compile Metal Slug 1 through 5 plus X into one PSP UMD for release -hopefully- this century. They have not announced a cancelation of their plan to port Metal Slug 1 through 3 plus X on the GBA and even had it on the show floor at GDC. So, you get two flavors of Metal Slug Wireless multi-player Metal Slug on PSP and Metal Slug on a better screen with your back lit GBA SP, or DS Lite. Personally, you should buy them all or ninjas will personally cut out your intestines and strangle you with them. Respect SNK. That would be all and any PSP news of note, so roll them up in coffee cake and dine.

This is way beyond my remote concern of being condescending; but the Game Boy Advance has some news for you! Apparently Digitylish, the funky as all Hell mini-game compilation from Nintendo, will be called The Digilux Series now and all the previously miniture games may be released as seperate and completely full packages of goodness under these names: Dotstream, Boundish, Rotohex, Chromatron, Orbiter, and the unusually awesome sounding Sound Voyager. These will make the perfect funk to drive while you loiter the whole day through and lose yourself in lines dissecting love.

If you give them money, they might just give you life - or at least some better brains. The easiest way to kill a liberal is to teach them how to work and think for themselves. That said, Nintendo is doing their part when Brain Training hits the US of probably A if not F next month. The expected success of the 15 minutes a day to make you a Federalist game has not been lost on Nintendo. Apparently there are TWO MORE Brain Training style games coming out in Japan later this year: I.Q. Teacher and Right Brain Kids. You see, these games focus on memorization and conceptional though. We know what you're doing Nintendo. If this keeps up, do you honestly think the DP and LDP will continue to win government seats in Japan? Right Brain Kids is aimed at younger children and will probably have to be renamed if it makes it to our shores and the last thing the NEA would want is a video game with the word RIGHT in it making kids smarter, now would it? Fear the revolution! Nintendo also announced cell shaded SEX in the form of a DS Card at GDC. This Zelda-gasm of awesome is the 3D rendered The LEgend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass. The top screen acts as an extension to the screen below or displays maps, notes, and inventory. You can now make notes on your maps, guide some weapons, solve puzzles, and do a ton of other stuff with the touch screen. It looks like the DS Lite will have a fairly quiet US launch in early July.

In other news, it would appear that Squishy has gotten himself a MySpace account. Why not add Squishy to your TOP 8 List? He promises to enwrap you with his loving tentacles if you add him! Unless you believe that the privately owned MySpace is a hot bed of censorship. That said, it's TOM's company and if he doesn't want some idiots opinion on the service he provides free of charge, that is his perogative and people should learn to respect that. Oh! You want reviews and new content? There will be new content later. This is one issue, so enjoy it. We're ordinary people, we can't help but to change. Philip Andrew Wesley

03.13 - The AMAZING update. - Well, here we are again! A brand new article from Chris Glass! Enjoy! Philip Andrew Wesley

03.09 - The Reviews Have..... - Apparently, we had not updated our reviews section in a while. I blame this entirely on evil ninjas and transfering things from the old equipment to the new equipment. That said, here are SIX NEW REVIEWS for you to peruse. Of interest to those who dig horror films, we have a review of the horrific Robocop VS The Terminator and -just in time for the remake- a review of The Hills Have Eyes on Sony PSP UMD. On the Nintendo DS side, we have a review of Animal Crossing: Wild World that was delayed in part because of Animal Crossing: Wild World, a review of Bust-A-Move DS, Space Invaders Revolution, and the rare GBA Video movie Shrek. Yes, check it out by clicking HERE and reading the new reviews! Philip Andrew Wesley

03.08 - Heretoafter! - Such begins a new issue! A few changes. For one, Suki Nihon will return as something entirely new and all the old Suki Nihon reviews will be made accessible again. The "infections" part of the Library is closing and will be consolidated into the Ice Block section. And here is a brand new piece of awesome! We have a brand new The Seven interview with Jackie Kashian of Comedy Central fame. She talks about Fire Emblem, and "Dork" Forest comedy! You owe it to your future descendants to read this! Click HERE to read it! Philip Andrew Wesley

Previously Used Newsity
Quit thee of thy prejudices. QOTW'S for March/April "So, we're going to have to eat Klonoa. I think that calls for a Wahoo." "Now I have to cuddle the Revolution." "Freedom kissing. Just do it."

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