BACK TO THE INDEX.
|Idiot's guide to Video Game Editorials. |
By Philip Wesley
Introduction: Want to write an editorial? Follow this simple template! Yes, YOU too can follow the masses like a drooling sheep! With this EASY TO USE guide; you can be on your way to joining faceless throngs of people in making people mad! Yes, here it is, and it's free!
THE VIDEO GAME EDITORIAL TEMPLATE!
<Insert somewhat ditsy title here. Title must contain the word "Why or Which" and the word(s) "Hate/Love/Defend". Write it in ALL CAPS. Yes, slip your finger over to that button that says "Caps Lock". Press it down! You now have your title!>
<Insert your name here. It's always best to have a name that is not your own; but is somehow NOT relevant to your topic at all. It is prefered to have names like "Chunkymunkyfudgebrowniecrap" or the ever popular syndicated character name followed by obscenely large numbers like "GOKU849896267782135738726573262587932683246723987628765920863526902365098" or "Barneyfan69".>
<Insert your e-mail here. It helps if you have an e-mail addresses that is similar to your "name" and ends in @aol.com or @hotmail.com. Be especially classy and have a @juno.com address.>
<Here we put the first few sentences. As always, heap on some type of intelligent sounding words and the phrase: "I own/played/dreamed I played all of (Product) and they sucked". Also misspell words and place random CapitAl letters in the phrase. It helps to use double negatives, and grammar mistakes. Grammar mistakes should not be hard if you have a Public School education. Repeat words a few times for good measure. In example: I beinG phallic in my amBidextroUs opinoOon on the N64. having PlayeD all 25 twenty-five LeGends of Zeldas games and seeing they all sucks." Make sure to add a sentence or two talking about the god-like qualities of your favorite game/system/website/breakfast food/sock. Example: "Alls of thes LeGends of teh Zeldas gameS suck sucks compareed to the masturful exuburantly foliaged series of SHAQ FU games.">
<This is your next paragraph; although it is better for you to forget spacing this paragraph in favor of making at least one big run-on sentence. In this paragraph; it is traditional to start your paragraph with the words: "You may think I am crazy" or "My opinion is true because the monster on the wing of the plane said it was if I run out and say hello to him." Followed by intelligent looking graphs with little to no base in actual reality that have been taken from magazines sponsered by companies owned by companies that lie about graphs and statistics. And as always; pretend that other people agree with you or that what your are saying is the "Gospel Truth". Add garbage text to emphasize your point. In example: "I am trUely flabbargaststric in knowing thIs to b etrue that all The LeGends of zelDas 64s sucks suck everyw-=-0 evosuij I know agrees with me and and m yotHer me." For best results use lots of deogatory words and claim to be an "expert" at what you do. Example: "I have lots of experience in Gameings. I know that only (sick bastards) enjoys the games that (racist stereotype) company mAkes to deMeans (Fluffy bunnies from Kosovo)." Make sure that the topic you are "exposing" is at least a few months old. Optimum time for a topic to be stale is at least three to four years.>
<Now you put your "ending comments". Which should be the equivalent to a long and overextended "F*CK you". Make sure to fill it with the words. "I am right to think this." and/or "People who disagree with me have no reproductive organs.">
<Here you put some e-mail gibberish, and/or a plagarised qoute from a popular song/show/movie/book. You will look more intelligent if the quote is supposed to be funny.>
<Here you insert the name of your website. Which is most likely on GeoCities or Xoom. The address should be long and stupid. Example: "htttp://members.trigeocities.coom/~fluffebunnyfaceswithcream/index67.htmsl" As you can see; this is the best way to go. Make sure that the link does not work as well. There you go. You have a NEW Video Game Editorial!>