Sarah Speaks Up
-By Sarah Tomase-
-Presented by DMG
-Brought to you by Rocktard Games' newest "hit" Grand Theft Boring: Generic City-
-Presented 03/09/2005-

Remember back in 2001 when Destiny’s Child had a single out entitled “Survivor”?  If you can remember such a time, how unfortunate for you.  I promise to forever grieve alongside you in remembrance of that overplayed, never-should-have-been-written-let-alone-recorded-let-alone-played-to-an-audience-even-once terror we unwillingly call a song.

So why insist I on jogging your memory back to such a nightmare? I can’t remember – Oh right! So, the song “wasn’t so bad,” I recall myself saying in a sixth period geometry class, oh “the first forty times!” That was it for me. Every time since when I heard that “song” I was forced to clutch my head, praying my ears would not start to bleed.

Bleeding… right. A lot of that happening in Grand Theft Auto games, isn’t there?  Well, let me tell you, good lil’ boys’ n’ girls, why it is I find the GTA series to be overplayed.

So it all started on the PSX, right? For me it started on the PS2 with GTA III. That was really fun and the graphics were freaking sweet and all, but even then the novelty of running down hookers in the red light district wore off.

But they still hooked me like a stupid fish into purchasing their newest installment of the same game, with just a flashier title, a different setting, newer (older) cars, and alternative vehicles. Vice City also included the novelty of beating a man senseless with a nine iron.

The GTA series has always provided gamers a sort of ventilation: a way of expressing themselves in ways socially unacceptable.

I’m also certain there is a crowd of aggravated parents just waiting to get their hands on the neck of the CEO of the company that produced these games: Rockstar Games.  Or there should be.

My brother brought home San Andreas a few days ago.  I, curiously, gave the game fifteen minutes.  Within moments of loading up a new game, my jaw kept hitting the floor. I’d heard so many people call this game Mature and that they use the N-word. But I never imagined this much cursing. This was vulgar! This is why I can’t believe there aren’t parental riots of mass insanity. A better rating system for video games, perhaps, would be beneficial in this situation.

But damn! Seriously, this game had me stunned. And the sad thing is, once I got shot down in a drive by and started aimlessly mowing people down with a stolen car, I got bored. I’d whack a police officer with a bat and it just got old. This isn’t new anymore, sadly. It lost its flavor. There is no more novelty left over. I would rather roll around a Katamari or play DDR.

I would never have purchased this game. Seriously, a simple rent only. There are only so much Rockstar Games could have improved, and they did that, but they never broke new barriers with this series. Frankly, I don’t think they’re even trying. They are still going to rake in green as long as it is amusing to thirteen year olds to mow down a virtual hooker with a virtual semi.

It’s just as toilet jokes reign mightily on TV shows like Seinfeld. There will always, and I mean always, be an audience for this sort of thing. And while tiring for some, another innocent with fresh blood will always be apt to take that gamer’s place.

Happy gaming!
Sarah Tomase

-Editorial by Sarah Tomase-
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(Brought to you by pure evil sexiness in its rawest form! Oh so pure. Philip is God.)