Recently, I have found that some people (such
as myself) feel that SquareSoft
has really just stopped trying to make games. So here, for a
candid peek inside
the game creation process, is a piece I like to call:
"A Day in the Life of SquareSoft."
Act I - Birth of a Bad Idea.
Scene - SquareSoft board room, Japan
Very modern, video screens in front of every seat. Executives
sit
around, talking amongst themselves and playing Card Hero. Walls
made only of
glass show the hustle and bustle of the city around them. The
Producer of
the Final Fantasy Movie is here to give a status report on the movie.
The
Head of Marketing and his Lackeys are also here, waiting to give their
reports. Square's Top Executive, hereby refered to as "Square
Boss" or
"SB", enters. Other executives are hereby refered to as "Lackeys".
<Square Boss> So, what's on the agenda today, lackey?
<Lackey> Our next project for PS2, sir...
<SB> Excellent! Bring in the writing crew!
(Writing Crew enters. Note that most of the writers of the SNES
era are gone.)
<SB> Welcome, valued writers.
<Head Writer> Konichiwa, Boss-San.
<SB> Do you have any ideas for our next big, multi-million
selling game?
<HW> Umm...Yes, we do.
<SB> Well, what is it?
<HW> Errr....
(A heated conference between the writing crew takes place>
<HW> Let's make a game about...a...uh...Robo-Evil...that
uses...Monkey Magic..
<SB> And?
<HW> And the hero...we'll call him...Cloud Crono Lionheart...
<SB> Yes...
<HW> He has to...travel through time...to...
(Another conference takes place. Words are exchanged.)
<HW> And the Robo-Evil...Has the Monkey Magic...because People
Love Monkeys...
<SB> I know I do. Don't you people?
(Other executives nod heads.)
<HW> But the hero and his friends...Child and...uhh...
(A long conference takes place this time. For about 10 minutes,
writers make cell phone calls, while one draws a large, sloppy picture
of a Robotic Beast that shoots "Monkey Magic" from his hands, and has two
heads in his mouth. Finally, the writers agree on something and turn
to the boss.)
<HW> His other friend is Mario.
<SB> Good, tha-wait, I thought we stopped working with Nintendo.
<HW> We made a bargain. We can use Mario if we convert
SNES games to
GameBoy.
<SB> Hmmm...Just give them the rights, let them take care
of it.
(More phone calls are made.)
<HW> They agreed.
<SB> Well, go on.
<HW> Let's see...and they have to travel through time to save
a futuristic
society and Cloud Crono's girlfriend.
<SB> So Cloud Crono's girlfriend is from the future?
<HW> Uhhhhhhh....We'll say that she's a sorceress who cast
the wrong spell,
and was warped to the future.
<SB> That makes no sense. People will think it's a great
plot twist.
<HW> Right! So...Cloud Crono and his friends have these...guns,
with...
umm...knives on them.
<SB> Sort of like the GunBlades in Final Fantasy VIII?
<HW> Crap!...uh, no...these are...lightsabers.
<SB> Really? I thought those were copyrighted by George
Lucas.
<HW> No...Gundam has them.
<SB> Right! Okay, carry on.
<HW> And...Cloud Crono and Child and Mario eventually meet
all kinds of
bizzare, humorus characters with heavy
accents and some bad guys who work
for Robo-Evil.
<SB> I love it! Get to work on it right away!...In fact,
we could tie this
in with the Final Fantasy Movie!
<Head of Marketing> You mean, give away demo disks on opening
weekend,
or enclose tick-
<SB> No, I mean this could BE THE MOVIE!
<Movie Producer> Hold on! The movie has been in production
for two and a
half years! We're near the final stages! We can't
just change the whole thing now!
<SB> Of course we can! We'll just re-dub the dialogue!
<MP> WE CAN'T DO THAT! None of the movie will make sense!
The movie
isn't anything like this...Robo-Evil
Monkey Magic Device thing at all!
It's about mankind's struggle after-
<SB> Well, we'll just change the animation all together.
(Words are shouted here that aren't even CLOSE to being permitted on
this
site. It goes on for 5 minutes.)
<MP> THERE'S NO FRICKIN' WAY YOU CAN TELL ME TO REDO THE WHOLE
MOVIE IN TEN
MONTHS! I'VE POURED MY SOUL INTO
THIS MOVIE!
<SB> Well, here's the thing...
(Heads turn expectantly. The next words out of his mouth may save
or break the company.)
<SB> We'll save the finished movie-
<MP> HAHA!
<SB> And release it on DVD in two years as the "Director's
Cut".
(The Producer stares at Square's Boss. He utters three words that
nobody can make out, but they know it can't be too good.)
<SB> The Producer will catch a plane to Hawaii in two hours.
He will
inform the crew that they have a new
assignment - They need to take
the FMVs from Final Fantasy VII and
VIII and make them into a
two-and-a-half hour masterpiece.
(There are murmurs of doubt here.)
<Lackey> Sir, Final Fantasy VII and Final Fantasy VIII star
characters that
look nothing
alike, and have completely different looks all together.
<SB> Well, we're going to have two parallel plots.
<MP> ...
(Movie Producer walks out. There is a loud SMACK! as he smashes
his head against the marble wall. He slumps over, knocked out cold.)
<SB> He'll be okay in a while. Put him on a private jet
within the
hour.
(One of the Lackeys runs out. He passes by the open door, dragging
the bloody, limp body of the Producer. He's murmuring something about
"Smoldering Old Toad", and gives the Boss the "Stink Eye". He enters
the elevator and leaves.)
<SB> Hmm...Do you think people will notice that the Movie will
be a rip-off
of the FMVs, with a different dub?
<Head of Marketing> Here's what we do: We add a lot
of Sex and Violence.
And lots of swearing. Put in two new characters that
can only be described as "A spunky young teenage girl
who's not afraid to speak her mind" and "A hip
techno-geek with an attitude". Now we've secured our
target audience, teenagers.
<Marketing Lackey> Sir, teenagers are the ONLY target audience
now.
<HOM> You're right...well, we'll automatically have them,
we need to attract
the older crowds...let's see...We
could attract some of the over 17
crowd if we removed the full frontal
nudity, as well as the pointless
shower scene I had planned.
Remove the really objectionable phrases,
and we're good to go.
<SB> Wait! Let's redub the hero's lines with lines from
"Beavis and
Butthead". That way we have comic
relief!
<HOM> Woahwoahwoah! Let's not get carried away-how about
just "Butthead"?
<SB> All or none-and I remind you, I have a button here that
can fire you
and spread nasty rumors about you all
over Tokyo in two seconds.
<HOM> Beavis AND Butthead then! But what will we call
the game?
<Head of Writing> How about Chronogears of Eve-nah, just stick
a Final
Fantasy name on it, it'll sell great.
<HOM> Hey, you got the hang of this marketing thing now!
<SB> Right! Okay, now then, let's get to work on both
projects.
(The Lackeys leave, rushing to get to work. The Head of Marketing
and Square's Boss confer about some top-secret matters - mainly, where
they'll be golfing tonight. As they leave, the Writing Lackeys smack
the head writer on the back of the head, saying "Good work, Captain Jackass."
and "I hope you got a good idea for the rest of the plot, you're going
to need it.")
END ACT I.
Next up: Act II: From Game to Screen to Game. -
We'll see the events that take place after the meeting: the new movie
plans, the game's programming, and the final story.
Afterwards, Act III: A Big Day for Little Cloud Crono Lionheart.
- The movie's premiere, the game's premiere, and the implications it has
on movies, PS2, and the gaming world as a whole.
Credits:
Written, Concived, Directed, Edited, and Culled from the twisted mind
of:
SEBULBA113
My apologies to:
Ira Glass (NPR's "This American Life", whose "Acts" system, as well
as the whole basic writing style, I have butchered from his radio show.)
Big Fans of Square (You have to admit, it has been kinda bad - and
don't give me "Chrono Cross", Toriyama and most of the original team had
nothing to do with it.)
A SEBULBA113 PRODUCTION
SQUARESOFT WILL RETURN |
