by S- Cargo

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Narrator: Three guys, on a mission to make the videogames world a
better place. Mike, Peter, and Jake are... Realism Squad! 
 
 

[The Realism Squad teleport to Zelda 64's Death Mountain.]

Jake: *looks around* Gee, everyone's eating rocks. 

Mike: That's tragic... so poor they can't afford real food. Some of those rocks don't even look microwave ready.

[Darunia appears, munching some quartz]

Darunia: Wow! The Realism Squad!

Jake: *puts hand on Darunia's shoulder* Listen, we've seen the poverty and deprivation here. But we're going to help you!

Darunia: Um?

Mike: Your people have sunk so low... Eating rocks, you must feel like nothing.

Darunia: Actually we really li...

Mike: Be quiet, we need to think of a way to help you.

Peter: *looks around* Wow... Panoramic views, breathtaking vistas. This hole could become a magnet for tourists.

Jake: Great idea! With a higher income you can trade with other regions and improve your diet!

Mike / Peter / Jake: Let's do it! Realism Squad!

[A few days pass]

Jake: Okay, we've printed some leaflets and posters, and they've been distributed around Hyrule!

Peter: We had to sell off all that rock you had in inventory to finance it.

Darunia: The harvest?

Mike: Quaint...

Jake: We also made this neat kiosk! *he points to a kiosk with a sign that reads 'Tourist Information'*

[They all squeeze into the kiosk]

[A few months pass]

Peter: We should have had some business by now. What's wrong with this game universe?

Jake: I think marketing is where we've slipped up. When I think about it, our slogan might have put some people off. 

Mike: "Come to Death Mountain"? You might be right. Maybe rebranding is in order. Darunia, how would you feel about changing your kingdom's name to 'Fun Mountain'?

Darunia: Wouldn't that be an affront to my ancestors?

Peter: He doesn't have an enterprising bone in his body, does he...

Mike: I'm sick of this guy and his litigation worries. Let's leave.

[They teleport to Hyrule Castle]

Jake: There's got to be something we can do for Hyrule... This time 
we'll start at the top.

[The King walks by]

Mike: Hey!

The King: Realism Squad? What are you doing here?

Peter: We're here to solve any problems you have. Let's chat over a coffee!

[They all walk down to Hyrule Starbuck's]

The King: The writer's never been to Starbuck's, and only drinks 
instant coffee... I'd better have that or he'll have to do some research.

Girl at counter: Instant coffee? *giggles* That will be 2 rupees.

Mike / Peter / Jake: Oh no! We don't have any rupees!

Mike: *points to door* Peter, Jake, go and get jobs. I'll wait here so no-one takes our place in the queue.

The King: Ha! Ha! No need for that, Realism Squad. In Hyrule, we find our money in tall grass and under bushes. And it always regenerates!

[The Realism Squad blink]

Jake: Uh... ever hear of something called 'inflation'?

The King: Um?

[Peter steps behind the counter and starts talking quietly to the girl 
serving them]

[One hour passes]

Peter: ... and that's called 'inflation'. Understand?

Girl at counter: I think so.

Mike: *exasperated* OK. Let's try again. And for God's sake make it realistic.

Girl at counter: Instant coffee? *giggles* That will be 200000 rupees.

The King: AAAAARGHHHHHHHHH! *faints*

Jake: Well, we've completely solved Hyrule's problems. On to the next universe!

[They teleport to the Ridge Racer universe]

Jake: Whose hotel room is this?

Peter: *opens a wardrobe* Look at these outfits: this is Reiko Nagase's room.

Jake: Ohmygod... *tugs Peter's jacket* The ensuite... there's someone in the shower! *stares*

Peter: I LIKE this writer! *stares*

[The shower door crashes open and Mike stumbles out, fully clothed and dripping wet]

Peter: Damn.

Jake: Well, it could have been worse... it could have been Ai from 
Ridge 5.

[They all fall about laughing]

[Ten minutes later]

Jake: Hahahaha... Oh wait, she's still quite attractive. Anyway, if the 
lovely Miss Nagase isn't here, there must be a race on! To the 
racetrack!

[They run to the classic Ridge Racer track]

Peter: We must be early. It looks like these guys are just driving 
practice laps.

Mike: All these bright, exotic colours suck. They're just not realistic. But, now we're here and no-one needs to put up with them any more.

Jake: Maybe it's set in an exotic country?

[Mike and Peter smack Jake upside his head]

Mike: OK, I'm going to find a hardware store and pick up some spray paint. Either that or find a plane and some silver nitrate so I can go cloud seeding.

[Pac Racing car completes a whole lap without ever coming out of a powerslide]

Jake: You know what? I think we have some things to sort out right 
here. 

Peter: It must be so frustrating not being able to drive realistically... not to mention dangerous.

Mike: Damn straight. I'll stay.

[An hour later]

Peter: You really think it was a good idea to pose as track officials 
and cover the whole course with a two inch thick layer of grit?

Mike: It was a great idea.

Jake: *glares at Mike* If we'd managed to find better disguises than those dumb Sailor Moon costumes we might have actually been able to do it too.

Ridge Racer Announcer: One! Two! Three! GO!

[The team watch as the cars whip around the course in their usual 
arcade-like way]

Jake: I think I'm going to cry.

Peter: Come on, we've got time for a couple more quick trips before teatime.

[They teleport to Goldeneye's Water Caverns level, next to a guard]

Peter: That's better. Believable environments, missions, and weapons... I like this game. We don't need to do anything here, let's just enjoy the show.

[James Bond runs into sight]

Jake: *pokes guard* Hey... isn't that Bond?

Guard: Where? 

Mike: Right there, you moron. *points* He's only about 20 feet away now.

Guard: *squints* Sorry, I can't see him.

[Bond is 10 feet away from the guard by now and lining up a head shot]

Guard: Look! It's Bond!

Peter: *pats him on the back in consolation* Too late. He can't miss from this distance.

[Bond fires]

[The guard's helmet falls off]

Jake: Huh?

Mike: Well... that was unexpected.

[The guard seizes the initiative and blasts Bond with his assault rifle]

[Bond breathes heavily once before returning fire]

[The guard collapses to the floor]

Mike: OK, I'm lost.

Bond: *looks at body, smirks* Shocking. *runs off through the level*

Peter: *dazed expression* This game isn't as realistic as I thought...

Jake: And Bond's one-liner didn't even make sense.

Mike: I think he writes his own scripts now.

Jake: Is it worth going on? Shall we just go home?

Peter: *recovering* What are you talking about? We had two successes in Hyrule, and we only screwed up Ridge Racer because of Mike's dumb plan. This one barely counts as a failure because it took us by surprise... So we still have the chance to help realism prevail!

[They teleport to the Super Mario universe]

Mike / Peter / Jake: Arrghhh! Too much! We submit!

[They teleport back to Realism Squad HQ in time for tea]

Narrator: So, Realism Squad, what have you learned?

Mike: 'Trying to mould the world in your image will only cause 
suffering. Different opinions can co-exist.'

Jake: 'Plots can be advanced by teleporting into girls' rooms and 
looking through their things.'

Peter: 'Don't let S- Cargo write your dialogue!'

[They all fall about laughing]

[ZAP!]

Frog 1 / Frog 2 / Frog 3: We'll be good...

[ZAP!]

Mike: Phew.

Narrator: The End.