BACK TO THE ENTER INDEX.
"What To Bring And Why You Brought It."
-By Philip Wesley-
-Posted May 29, 2006-
Several million years ago, according to the scientists who considered themselves to be the most intelligent in their field, all of humanity ran about naked and rather hungry. As humanity meandered about hungry, naked, and somewhat bewildered; they were surrounded by possibly delicious creatures of various sizes. One day, they discovered that picking up various items and throwing them with great force could kill the possibly delicious creatures of various sizes that surrounded them. The killing of possibly delicious creatures of various sizes that surrounded them was achieved by violently bashing, and hitting the possibly delicious creatures of various sizes that surrounded them with rocks of numerous sizes repeatedly until the possibly delicious creatures that surrounded them stopped moving and succumbed to being eaten. The rocks became more and more complex as early humanity evolved from being violent, hungry, and naked savages into being violent, hungry, mostly clothed savages. The possibly delicious creatures of various sizes slowly died out and thus humanity started turning their rocks in on themselves in an effort to a make themselves feel better. The purpose of this came from the sudden appearance of things like new types of foods, property rights, clothing, luggage, aerosol sprays, religions, and cigarettes. In a hint of irony, all of these new things were highly sought after despite the fact that all of them can kill the person who seeks after. Except for cigarettes; because the acquisition of cigarettes has never killed anyone of any sort of importance. The history behind things is not at all important to any of the people traveling to conventions like A-Kon or E3. Instead, they would rather think it useful for us to discuss the bringing of things along with them instead of the fascinating and scandalous history of things. Many of these people are inclined to think in this manner as they come from several places that are not Dallas, or Los Angeles in order to come to these conventions. Many of them fly in hollow tubes of death known as airplanes -which I will discuss in further detail when I discuss them in further detail- or on hollow tubes of extremely unpleasant smelling death known as trains, buses, and cars. The bringing of things has become quite a bit of an issue in these trying and terror filled times, to greater discuss the bringing of things, this next paragraph will focus on the bringing of things.
Many people believe that bringing things with them where ever they go is very important. In a way, they are absolutely right. What to bring with them is very hotly contested though. A government study on the matter has concluded that government studies are a bit inconclusive without the full agreement on the number of things that should be brought and why you should bring them. There exists two camps of thought on the matter. Some feel that ten is the perfect number of things to be brought to any occasion, some feel that five is a more appropriate number. There are still some extreme camps of thought that go all the way to eleven and a few that believe in three or seven. For the sake of brevity, we shall go into this with a highly irregular number of four essential items and three non-essential items. The four essential items are something that must be brought with you at all times, lest you anger some sort of hideous imaginary deity like Cthulu, Jesus, Odin, Azathoth, Muhammad, or Zeus. The three non-essential items are less than four and this makes them non-essential.
And thus spake Zoroaster to the crowd in such a manner as to arouse both their interests and contempt. "Leave the carrying of things, nay but for just four things shall you carry with you always." The prophet continued in his discourse to the crowd, his voice carrying his maladroit message to their silent with ennui ears. "Verily shall you carry these four things and thus no other four things shall be essential unto your needs." A slight cough emitted from the throat of a young crowd participant named Friedrich. Friedrich is of no importance to this guide, because his future writings will never get him laid. Of course, such a truth may never be written here in this tome of words. Such truth excluded by us, the reader, in supposing truth is a woman - what then?
Shall we move beyond the good and evil of stuff and philosophy into the nature of the four essential things. There are only four essential things to bring to a convention like E3 or A-Kon, and each of those four essential items has many various uses in and of themselves. There is also a list of items you should not bring, but since the list of items you should not bring is 30,000 times the size of the list of items you should bring: The focus of this article is only on items of absolute value that require you bringing them. The term "absolute value" is, as some have noted dully, subjective to the person using it. Many of the items here in this list are perfectly essential, but absolute value is determined by user of said device or item. Absolute value is not to be confused with absolute values, which large religious institutions try to set into the minds of their followers to varied success. Most of the time, they try to set rules such as: "Do not murder," "Murdering is only okay in some instances on Thursdays," and "Please murder someone now, shalom." Absolute Values seem to be important to those who ascribe to them; but those being murdered for them seem to think of Absolute Values in slightly less reverent thoughts. Many people have claimed to know Absolute Values, and many more have claimed to be selling them. Sadly, those who really do seem to know Absolute Values end up either ridiculed or nailed to things. This guide makes no claim to know Absolute Values, because being nailed to things hurts rather badly. Sometimes being nailed to something causes bleeding. Bleeding on things other than yourself is rather rude and should be avoided. The best way to avoid bleeding on things other than yourself is to wrap your gaping wounds in a towel. This brings us to the very first of the four essential items that it is important for you to bring with you.
Essential item number one of the four essential items: A Towel.
A towel is about the most massively useful thing a convention goer can have. This is especially true at conventions like A-Kon or E3. You hardly ever see them at Star Trek/Star Wars or Comic Book/Baseball Card conventions. This may be cause in part by the association of a towel with being clean. Something that Star Trek/Star Wars fans know nothing about. A truer shame than that can only be committed by Catholics. One has to think that maybe Anikin would not have gone to The Dark Side of the Force if he had just had a towel to tell all his fears and secrets to. One also has to think that the other Jedi would not have been slaughtered if they had just understood the wisdom of taking a towel and wrapping it tightly around ones hands to avoid dropping their light sabers. If they had towels with them, they could have used The Force in conjunction with the towels to create diversions and blind their Sith foes. If Spock had a towel, he could have torn it in half and used Semaphore to signal other people and searching for him would have taken a lot less time. Wrapping a towel around ones head can prevent Ceti Eels from entering your ears. Oddly, Vulcans are supposed to be smart, yet the simple logical wisdom of carrying a towel escapes them. In a way, you would think that our pointy ear friends are only saying they are smart and logical to hide a vast amount of sheer ignorance. Just like the entire Wiccan religion, oddly enough. That said, a towel is an incredibly useful item to have. One thing to note about E3 is that there will be lots of games to try out and lots of controllers to touch and interact with. A lot of people may not share the same strict adherence to hygiene that we pray to Buddha you share, so it is important to use a towel to wipe down that video game controller before you place your hands upon it. This eliminates several kinds of germs and wipes away nasty sweat left by the previous controllers users. Combine this with a small can of phone sanitation spray and you have an immaculate gaming experience. At A-Kon, a towel may be used to shield your self from the countless sticky germs left on the seats in any of the various anime viewing rooms. Unless you have a fetish for sitting in the countless sticky germs left on the seats in any of the various anime viewing rooms.
Another extremely good use for a towel comes in the form of complementing the bags that are handed out at E3. These bags are notoriously known for being weak and badly designed. Placing a towel at the bottom of the bag may save it from ripping too quickly. Placing a towel on top of the bag will help keep greedy people from reaching into your bag and grabbing your swag. Swag is slang for the free items of questionable value that may be acquired at conventions and placed in your closet or on an online auction site. Food is also considered by some to be "swag." Some beverage companies, most notably Mountain Dew and Bawls, hand out containers of their carbonated beverages at E3. Bawls comes in glass bottles and wrapping the glass bottles in your towel keeps them from breaking inside of your bag. This prevents your Bawls from spilling into you bag and making your swag sopping wet. This prevents embarrassing situations like this one:
"Sir, you are leaving puddles on the floor."
"Yeah. My Bawls are leaking."
"They make pills for that. My mother had the same problem."
As you can see, a towel is a social life saver. If you find yourself in one of the many extremely long queues (lines) at E3 or A-Kon, take out your towel and place it on the floor. Sit down on the towel and relax. You can also take both ends of the towel, firmly in your grasp and then bind the towel over the head of whoever is in front of you and hold it there until they pass out. Once they pass out, step over them and repeat with the next person. This is not the best idea though, as security at conventions usually frowns on assault. Just because you can do something, does not mean you may do that particular something. Please disregard that last sentence if your religion allows it. If you find yourself having to walk in the hot sun in Los Angeles or Dallas, use your towel as a head covering or shade. If you should run into a member of the Associated Press or G4, carefully lift the towel over your face. The Associated Press will think you are some sort of terrorist and thus want to buy you drinks, fast cars, or expensive meals. Anyone from G4 will automatically assume that since you can not see them, they can not see you. Thus you will have spared yourself from actually having to talk to them. One thing that has saddened many people is that alcohol may not leave certain areas of E3 and A-Kon. To rectify this, buy your alcohol and drink it happily. When you have only a little left, wad up part of your towel and pour the drink onto your towel. The towel will absorb the liquid and when you feel your slight buzz disappearing, just bring the towel up to your lips and suck on the section of the towel that has become inebriated with the alcohol. Wrapping warm food items that are contained in boxes with your towel may keep them warm for just a while longer. Towels are an excellent way to meet people as pulling a member of the opposite sex close to you by way of a towel may be erotic to those who find this sort of behavior to be erotic. Placing the body onto a towel makes it easier to drag the body toward the lake. If two people grab both ends of the towel; it becomes even easier to carry, and eventually fling, the body into the lake.
Many a Japanese anime has an episode known as an Onsen Episode. Onsens are Japanese Hot Springs. If you feel that you must cosplay and have no idea what to wear, just wrap your towel around your naked body, do something weird with your hair, and you are set. We suggest nabbing safety pins to keep your towel upon your body. Wrap the towel tightly so nothing naughty shows up. Although it would probably be a good idea to wear UNDER GARMENTS with this costume idea. If you chose not to wear undergarments with this cosplay idea, please refrain from playing Dance Dance Revolution. There are many, many more uses for a towel, including the capture of small rodents, drying yourself, or placing it on top of your lap and the lap of another person if you wish to pass them large amounts of money without the other people on the bus noticing. A towel may also be used in the place of a bag if the towel is large enough. The modification of towels is an excellent idea to say the least. Please consider double stitching or reinforcing the edges of your towel. Towels are also an extremely good thing to keep keys and items like business cards inside of. Stack the items on one corner, then carefully roll that corner over the items to be held, then tie that corner into a knot. If done properly, you have all your items safely stowed for carrying as well as a brilliant bludgeon of sorts. Why would you wish to carry business cards inside of your towel?
Essential item number two of the four essential items: Business Cards
Business Cards have a ton of understated uses that are too numerous to name them all at once. I will probably name a few of them in a moment if you keep reading. Yes, at any moment, the pages of this guide may fly open with the information that you require of them! Sadly, this important information will not be in this sentence. The information may be in the next sentence. Mother Teresa is dead and rotting in Hell. Whoops, that was not the information pertaining to business cards and their various uses that you were looking for and we apologize for any inconvenience that this may have incurred to you, our loyal and sexy reader. Most of the time, a business card is a thin cardboard slip with a persons name, trade, sexual preference, e-mail, and some other personal information on them. This is to help identify the body, or make one feel self-important. The worms don't care if you were important, Mr. Adams, they just care that you're delicious now. Many companies at E3 use the cards in drawings and lotteries to win many nice items ranging from Plasma Televisions, iPods, sexual favors, or T-Shirts. When someone is struck by inspiration, the blank part of most paper business cards may be drawn upon. When someone is struck by other people, the blank part of most business cards may be written upon. There exist plastic or hard edged business cards that may be used as a means of self defense. In order to use a business card to defend yourself in a fight, take the card and hold it straight. Jam the card into the eye or throat of the attacker. If the card is plastic, then aim for the area above the lips, but below the nose. If you wish to pass your phone, cell, or hotel number to a person of interest, write it down on the back of your business card when you hand it to them. Excess business cards from people whom you do not wish to contact, may be used as fire starting tinder with which you may build small fires to keep yourself warm. Hard plastic business cards may also be used to open up some locks. A small pile of business cards can be just enough to get flames and heat going for lighting larger items on fire for the sake of heat, cooking, or general survival through the night.
The little girl shuffled through her box of burned out matches. Sadly, she had no business cards to light on fire that night. As she lay still on the step, she stared into the night sky. Her wandering eyes beheld the sight of a star fall, leaving behind it a bright streak of fire. "Someone is dying, because when a star falls. That is a soul going up to God." She then proceeded to light her final match.
Business Cards are great to have for the purpose of hygiene. Hard edged cards are great for adjusting the cuticles on your fingers. Soft edged ones are great for removing dirt from your nails. This is a great way to prevent botulism and by saying this, I am lying. If there is no bar soap, place a business card under a liquid soap dispenser, place a few drops onto the card, rub another business card against it and then place both business cards gently under some warm water. This creates a quick replacement for bar soap. Placing toothpaste on a card board card allows you to use it like a toothbrush. The edges of a business card may also be used as a makeshift toothpick. If you have several cards that you have no intent of ever calling on, keep them with you. When you are at the mall and it appears that there are no pieces of proper papers with which to tidy ones self after using the lavatory facilities: Reach into your wallet and thank whoever the card is from for what you are about to do. It is best to say a little prayer of gratitude such as this: "Oh, thank you Craig Harris, your Office Depot printed cards are posh indeed." If this sounds like too much of a horrible thing to do, just keep the white paper press releases from any of the companies at E3. That may be the only enjoyment you receive from their products.
The small nature of the business card is perfect for those fits of boredom where you can create a little game with them. First roll up up your towel and place it into a bit of a circle. Stand or sit back and gently flick the business cards into the circle. Try to see how many you can land into it perfectly. If you find yourself stressed out, write the cause of your frustration onto a business card and then flush/burn/eat/stomp on/defile that card. This provides all sorts of stress relief. On the nature of cards, eating paper will not harm you. Eating paper covered with some inks will not harm you irreparably either. Business Cards are most likely not high in any form of protein, but if you put salt and ketchup on them, they may taste good. Another interesting game to play with two people is to write the numbers zero through nine on the back of ten business cards. Shuffle the cards and distribute half of them to the other player. Each person picks up their five cards and then places a card number side down in front of them. The cards are then turned over. The person with the higher card wins and the other person must remove an article of clothing. How this game ends is entirely up to the players. The utility of business cards has no end. Carry a business card with you into a mall and go to the cologne or perfume counter. Thoroughly soak the card in the spray and place this into your pocket. Placing cards like this near the vents of your air conditioner in your car may make your vehicle smell very pleasant. Make sure to write down the fragrance you have sprayed the card with on the card before you spray it. In order to write on the card, you must carry the third essential item in our list.
Essential item number three of the four essential items: A Pen
The first and foremost use of a Pen is for writing. You may use it to write on your business cards, your towel, your own flesh, other peoples flesh, and many other surfaces. A pen is a long slender object with one end that writes and one end that does not write. If one of the ends is slightly pointed, it may be used to break the seals on boxes or puncture the skin of an assailant. Pens may be thrown for endless entertainment value as well as used as a nervous substitute for smoking and chewing gum. Just place the non-writing end in your mouth like a cigarette and let it stay there. You will suddenly look very thoughtful and people will want to get to know you better. Pens are useful for prying some things, and the best part of a pen is that if you lose your pen, someone will always have one with them at conventions like E3. Companies hand out pens as if they were some kind of candy. Pens are not some kind of candy and we suggest that you do not try to consume one. If a pen is long enough, it may be used as a replacement stir for tea or coffee beverages. The inside of many pens contains a small tube of ink. Breaking this tube spills ink all over the place. This form of marking may be a good way to differentiate your attacker. Some pens contain small spring devices. These springs can be taken out and bent into lock picks, paper clips, hair holding devices, and other such items. The hollow shell of a pen may be used as a makeshift straw. A metal pen may be used in place of a bottle opener if it is hard enough to pry the lid off of a bottle of your favorite beverage. Pens, and business cards are thoroughly loose objects and may be harder to hold onto than previously implied. Thus the final and most important item may be the easiest to guess.
Essential item number four of the four essential items: A small metal tin.
Mints and some other types of hard candy come in tiny metal boxes and have done so since the dawn of all time. Why this is the way it is has never been questioned by people hoping to live long and healthy lives. Some of these kinds of non-foods arrive in larger metal boxes. A metal box of reasonable size should suffice for holding onto ones pen, business cards, and non-essentials like condoms, cigarettes, bottle openers, and money. A small metal box can be heated or cooled to hold items that need heating or cooling. A small metal box may also be used like a cup, a plate, or a small piece of cookware if the situation requires the small metal box to be so. A small metal box may also be filled with pebbles and thrown to distract the guard dogs. Keeping food in metal containers may be useful for a short period of time. Remember to wash your small metal tin from time to time. Filling a small metal tin with dirt makes for a handy potting surface for growing dandelions. Filling a metal tin with cold water, then wrapping the tin lightly with your towel, allows you to keep cold on any wounds you may happen to develop. Freezing the water inside the metal tin is an even better idea. In order to survive in some cities, write a dollar sign "$" on one of your business cards with your pen, then stand the business card next to your tin and perform your dance of seven veils with your towel. Someone will put money into the tin to make you stop, this is a truth that is absolutely assured to be the absolute truth, we suppose.
A combination of all the aforementioned articles is just enough to insure survival in the harshest of convention situations, unless your religion dictates that they will not. If this is indeed the case; please change your religion. The three non-essential items are of such little consequence that we have decided to not list them at all. The reason for this omission is that we hate you with all the fibers of our well rounded spheroid existence.
Article by Philip Wesley
Property of DMG Ice, dmgice.com, and the original author as expressed in the by-line.